Do You Believe in Soulmates? How Modern Cinema Has Ensured That None of Us Are Having the Same Conversation
"Through love, man seeks another human being like himself, the Platonic other half of his soul, to form a union which will make him whole." -Hans J Morgenthau
Do you believe in soulmates?
That's right, strap in, we are talking about soulmates.
The concept of soulmates is alarmingly divisive. The majority of Americans - approximately 73%, according to a Marist poll - cling to a romantic belief in soulmates. The remainder do not believe that soulmates exist.
It's all well and good to disagree, but, in order to make sure everyone disagrees, I believe it is important we collectively understand what we are all disagreeing about.
In short, what is a soulmate? And, no, "a plot device," is not the answer.
A soulmate, by definition, is "a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament."
Already. this is a far more general definition than most people enter the conversation with. This overarching compatability can apply to all kinds of relationships, romantic and platonic. Why, then, do we give it such weight?
(Now, "plot device" is a more appropriate answer.)
From Shakespeare to cinema, the idea of lovers who are meant to be, written in the stars, unable to escape the fate that they will ultimately end up together, is strategically used to tug on the heartstrings of audiences everywhere - and it WORKS. (In reference to the statistic above, the majority of the population believes in the reality of soulmates.)
For the record, so do I. Shocking, I know. If you are saddened by the fact that this article isn't being penned by some behind-the-scenes soulmate-cynic, feel free to stop reading now. I won't be offended.
When I say I believe in soulmates, it means to me that there are people in this world that are destined to be together. It is an element of fate. Again, this can happen both romantically, and within the confines of friendships, but there are some people I believe in my soul (ha-ha, get it?) are meant to find each other, be with each other forever, and grow with each other.
Now it becomes more a question of fate: determinism vs. free will. (and I also believe in free will...it's a very confusing combination, but my complex and knotted comprehension of the universe would take a whole book, so I'm going to stick to the soulmate talk.)
While I am open to people's disbelief in soulmates, I think it's important to clarify the conversation. Hollywood has painted those who believe in soul mates one way and those who do not the other, but in doing so, the industry has moved the arguments into two different circles - when in reality, I believe, that it is all more of a venn diagram.
I was rewatching Friends recently, and there is an episode in which Phoebe believes she's found Monica's soulmate. Of course, this happens after she is already married to Chandler, and - ever a man of stoic security and confidence - Chandler is not cool with this.
By the end of the episode, when asked by Monica, Chandler confesses that he does not believe in soulmates. Monica agrees.
"I don't believe in soulmates either. I don't think you and I are destined to end up together. I think we fell in love and we work hard at our relationship."
Now, here is my problem with this argument.
I recognize that fate is not everyone's cup of tea. It doesn't have to be! However, I disagree with the implication that because someone believes in soul mates it means they believe they don't have to work in a relationship. You can believe you were fated to be with someone and end up with that person. That in no way means that you are immediately secure in an immovable statue.
What a soulmate is, in my understanding, is a person you were, yes, destined to be with. Someone who, no matter how hard you try, compulsion pulls you forward. The heart is stronger than the head in an absolutely unmanageable way. That is why I personally find the enemies-to-lovers trope so compelling. It is the perfect depiction of the soulmate. It is two people whose souls find each other, and, much as they may think they dislike each other, they can't fight it.
THIS DOES NOT MEAN THE RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT AND UNCHANGING AT ALL TIME!
Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy from Pride and Prejudice are likely the most iconic enemies-to-lovers characters of all time. They hate each other, LITERALLY so much. When Elizabeth finally turns around and says, "I'm going to marry him," her family is FLOORED. Because of HOW MUCH SHE OBVIOUSLY HATED HIM.
However, she could not fight her feelings, nor could he.
If you believe in soul mates THAT way (the wrong way, IMO), you are telling me that two people who fought all the time before they were married will have NOTHING to work on their relationship. You think it's going to be effortless and easy going for Lizzy and Darcy from here on out?! NO.
Does that mean they're not soulmates? Absolutely not.
When I get into discussions about soul-mate-iture (which has been alarmingly frequent as of late), one of the most common arguments I have heard is that those who don't believe in soulmates ground their reason in the determined contradictory understanding that relationships need work. I would like to point out that these are two different arguments. The work required in any relationship is not negated, regardless of any percieved soulmate status.
However, here comes the counter argument to that point.
While the lack-of-work comment pointed out by non-believers does not actually prove anything against the existence of soulmates, it DOES point out a major problem that those who do believe in soulmates often face.
Due to the perfectly painted soulmate romances depicted by Hollywood, many find themselves thinking they are looking for their soulmate when they, in reality, are looking for a perfection that doesn't exist.
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD states in an article in Women's Health Mag:
"There is an assumption that soulmates are like puzzle pieces, and when two partners meet their pieces will align in perfect harmony...This expectation paves the way for significant disappointment. Instead, replace the idea of 'finding' your soulmate, with 'creating' one through years of learning about them, navigating challenges, creating a family, and loving each other through all the happy and hard times."
Regardless of what you believe, perfection is a fallacy. It can be something to strive for. It can be incredibly motivating and, heck, maybe something you do one day will magically be perfect! The world is unpredictable!
However, to assume that you are going to find the PERFECT person and there are going to be NO PROBLEMS EVER is nonsensical and highly detrimental to relationships going forward.
In the same Women's Health article, Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, CPLC remarked:
"While this notion [soulmates] has been romanticized, it can be extremely problematic...If you are constantly on the search for 'the one,' you may not fully be present in your relationship."
It is a very clear, well-labeled trap that those who believe in soulmates can easily fall into. If, in the face of the first hiccough, one immediately assumes that they are consequently not with their soulmate, it will send them constantly running in the other direction, pin-balling their way through relationships.
The way soulmates are cinematically captured is what paves the path to these misunderstandings. While we see the complicated will-they-won't-they, most films, even ones set in a high school, end with the couple getting together. That leads the human imagination to believe that, once the soulmates find each other, everything is perfect and they are together forever. It is happily ever after. We don't see anything else.
This is damaging and misleading if it is brought into a real world context.
However, the soulmate trope seen in television shows is far more realistic. Take Nick and Jess from New Girl, or Ross and Rachel from Friends.
In both of these pairings, the characters are unquestionably soulmates. However, they get together, and they break up. They see major fights and challenges. They are left to discuss the ins and outs of what they want their relationship to be time and time again.
Television shows actually capture a realistic type of soulmate that movies do not. They are two people who are fated to be together, whose souls compliment each others perfectly, who still have to spend time working on their relationship.
Then, from there, once we share this common ground understanding of what a soulmate is, we are left to ask one simple but central question.
Do you believe in soulmates?
