All The World's A Tabloid: The Lives Of The Kardashian-Jenners, As Told By Shakespeare's Greatest Works
The lives of the Kardashian-Jenner family are more than just dramatic. They are epic.
Just today, in light of the premiere of the new Hulu series The Kardashians, it has been revealed that Kim Kardashian has been threatened with the release of unseen footage of the infamous sex tape that brought herself and her family into the limelight. Meanwhile, Scott Disick is left trying to find his footing in the family he's known for so long, now that Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker are in it for the long haul.
The stories are epic. Intricate. Shakespearean.
Yes, you heard me: Shakespearean. The Bard would, without question, have a field day if he were still composing prose in the modern day of the Kardashians. In fact, many of his shows lend themselves incredibly well to the triumphs and tribulations of the Kardashian family.
Here is a history of the Kardashian-Jenners as told by Shakespeare's greatest works.
Cymbeline: Kim Is Threatened with New Sex Tape
Kim Kardashian was threatened with the release of new sex tape footage. The celebrity maintains that she is "99.9%" confident that there is no new footage - that whoever is threatening her with this release, in fact, has nothing on her.
In this situation, Kim is just like Cymbeline's female lead, Imogene. Iachimo tells Imogene's husband he can get Imogene to cheat on him. When Iachimo fails, he lies, attesting that he actually succeeded. This painted Imogene in a bad light she did not deserve - and causes a lot of problems. This is the exact same situation that Kim Kardashian finds herself in now.
King Lear: Scott Trying To Find His Place in the Family
Upon reaching old age, King Lear divided up his kingdom among his children. (Well, among his rotten children, leaving the good one with nothing, but that is a story for another day.)
After divvying up his Kingdom, he tried to visit his daughters and find a home with them, but they all turned him out.
This similar displacement and uncertainty is the one that Scott Disick has expressed that he feels in the new age of the Kourtney-Travis relationship. The Kardashian-Jenners have been his only family for a while and, due to recent Romeo and Juliet-style occurrences (an elopement), he is unsure where he fits now.
Romeo and Juliet: Kourtney and Travis Get Married
Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Las Vegas where we lay our scene!
Was this pair of star-crossed lovers ever truly kept apart? No. BUT, did they get married in a surprise ceremony that very few people knew about or were invited to: YES! This surprise Las Vegas marriage that the two took part in after the Grammy Awards was a very 21st century Romeo and Juliet move.
Also, their families may have liked each other, but there's still some parallels in how unexpected that relationship was to begin with: The socialite reality star with the punk rocker.
Troilus and Cressida: Kim and Pete Waiting for the Right Moment
"BOLDNESS COME TO ME NOW AND BRING ME HEART!"
There are the loves that run off and get married in the night. There are also the lovers who wait until they are sure the moment is right. (Hey, that rhymed!)
Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson first met when doing a sketch on Saturday Night Live, where they shared a kiss. Kim recently revealed in an interview that she thought she felt a spark between them then, but she wanted to be absolutely sure - much like Cressida, she waited until she could no longer hold back her feelings to share them with her Troilus!
A Midsummer Night's Dream: Kim and Kanye's Divorce
If Kim Kardashian and Kanye West don't give off MAJOR Titania and Oberon vibes, I don't know who does.
In the play, the meeting scene between the Queen and King of the fairy world shows the two in a major fight over the custody of a young boy. The child was the son of one of Titania's best friends, and she cares about him - but, as he is a boy, should technically be a part of Oberon's court.
This fight closely mirrors the public fight Kim and Kanye had over North West's TikTok presence. People stood on different sides of the fight, but it definitely read of Midsummer-Shakesperian proportions.
A Comedy of Errors: Kanye Dating Chaney Jones
Kim Kardashian has come out in support of Kanye West's relationship with Chaney Jones. However, regardless of where you stand, it is impossible not to notice the striking aesthetic similarity between Jones and Kim Kardashian.
A Comedy of Errors, a play all about twins and complicated love, lives serves as the perfect summary for this situation. Of course there was the initial media circus surrounding his new girlfriend, especially given her uncanny likeness to the Kardashian.
Now that Kim Kardashian has given her approval and no-drama approach, we are hoping the rest of the world will calm down too. As A Comedy of Errors shows us, most of these things are just misunderstandings anyways.
Plus, there is now word that Kanye may not be moving into the house right next door to Kim Kardashian's. Could this be the first sign of a real truce between the ex-couple?
The Tempest: Kanye West Not Invited to Stormi and Chicago's Birthday Party
Is this largely a play off of "Tempest" sounding like "Stormi"? Yes, absolutely it is.
BUT it fits in other ways as well.
In The Tempest, while the adults are fighting, the children in the show are falling in love. This mirrors the situation the Kardashian-West children and their relations find themselves in: While the adults around them seem to always be fighting, they are still trying to live their normal, happy childhoods.
That includes celebrating their birthday parties in peace!
Henry IV Part 1: Kim Kardashian Becoming a Lawyer
Prince Hal is the son of the King, known for his poor behavior. He has a terrible reputation. However, he tells the audience in a brilliant soliloquy that, in his behavior, he, "will imitate the sun."
It's a long metaphor, but it basically boils down to this: By being bad in his youth and then, when he's older, doing good, everyone will be so amazed that they will wonder at him.
Such is the case with Kim Kardashian. Her story started with the release of a sex tape and tantrums over tarantulas and lost earrings. Now, she is working to be a lawyer. She is a business owner. She is helping people get off of death row. She is a powerhouse icon who is wielding her power for good. She pulled a FULL Prince Hal.
Measure for Measure: Kris Pressuring Kendall to Have a Baby
In Measure for Measure, Claudio is arrested by Lord Angelo. Lord Angelo will let Claudio go - IF he can get his sister, Isabella, to sleep with him. Isabella, however, is a nun, and is not happy that her brother would pressure her into doing such a thing.
Now, Kris Jenner has not been arrested, and Kendall Jenner is no nun, BUT Kris pressuring Kendall into having a baby DEFINITELY has the same energy. I think the difference is that Kris is somehow both Angelo and Claudio.
Either way, as Kendall herself asked in a very recent interview, "is it not up to me?"
If there was any question that this family is one of epic, poetic proportions, now that question has been answered. Honestly, someone should get on writing a Shakespeare-style play about this family. Talk about an instant classic!
You can see more of their drama unfold on Hulu now - The Kardashians just premiered there today!
